» Governments are like the Bermuda Triangle. Our money goes there, and then is never seen again.
» Computers can never completely replace humans. Sure, they may someday match, or even exceed our intelligence, but they will never master our stupidity.
» A teacher was discussing family resemblance with a class of ten-year-olds. One bright student informed him that, “My mom said that the reason children look like their parents, is because of something in your pants.” This stumped the teacher for a minute, before saying, “Oh, “You mean that it’s in your genes.” “Right,” he replied quite seriously. “It’s something in your jeans.”
» Fabric naturally loses its softness over time, because its fibers become saturated with soaps and softener residues. While those store bought fabric softeners will give a nice scent, they can actually be a big part of the problem over time. A very simple cure for this, is to use plain white vinegar instead of fabric softener. The vinegar will also neutralize odors and reduces static cling. Vinegar is inexpensive and its smell doesn’t stay in the material. Just pour one cup of vinegar in the final rinse of your wash cycles.
» When my grandmother died, the funeral director said, “Bury her with something that she loved.” But, as the coffin was lowered into the ground, all we could hear was grandpa screaming for help.
» ‘Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.’ – General MacArthur
» Few humans have bigger egos than fishermen, or fib more. For example, one day a fisherman returns to shore from a day of sport fishing with a giant marlin, that was bigger and heavier than he was. As he panted and grunted while dragging it to the cleaning shed, he passed another fisherman sitting next to the dock’s edge with a stringer that held about a dozen minnows. The second fisherman looks at the huge marlin, then up to the first fisherman, and says, “Only caught the one, eh?”
» A mountain man took his sons to a school to enroll them. “My boys is after sum of that ‘larning’. What d’ya have for ‘em?” he asked the school teacher. She replied, “Well sir, we teach the children English, trigonometry, spelling, etcetera.” The mountain man said, “Well, then give them both some of that thar triggernometry, they’s the worst durn shots in the entire family.”
» A husband went to a florist to buy a dozen red roses for his wife’s birthday. However, the guy behind the counter said, “I’m sorry sir, this isn’t a florist, it’s a private male clinic specializing in circumcisions and vasectomies.” The husband was mystified. “So, then why have you got all those flowers out there in the window?” The guy behind the counter replied, “Well sir, what do you suggest that we put there?”
» Why was the Lone Ranger called ‘Lone’ when he was always with his Indian friend, Tonto?
» Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup. “Well, I think that there is something odd with your back,” the doctor tells him. “Really? What makes you say that doctor?” Quasimodo asks, now getting concerned. The doctor says, “I don’t know, it’s just a hunch.”
» When will our conscience grow so tender that we will act to prevent human misery, rather than avenge it.