The Cuckoo Has the Flu In the Nest – Submitted By Val Enders

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May 162012
 

I am fighting a case of the flu. I can’t be certain that it actually is the flu, but since I have the internet, I have researched my symptoms, and now I feel qualified to self diagnose. I have ruled out pregnancy and diphtheria.

Someone, (I won’t mention any names, but it starts with the letter “H”(ubby), was sick last week, and he was gung ho to share his malady with me. His doctor prescribed antibiotics for him, but I decided to avoid the clinic. It’s a hot bed of disease and sick people, and I can’t take any chances in my weakened state. Self medicating is my only option, and with my choice of meds, (copious amounts of hot tea and honey with plenty of rum), I plan to drink the living daylights out of this thing.

Our anniversary was last week, and this year, hubby gave me his Continue reading »

Baby, It’s Cold Inside! – Submitted By Val Enders

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May 042012
 

I decided to make a nice dinner for the hubby, and went to the freezer to get a beef roast. I dread going into the freezer, and news flash, they don’t call it ‘freezer’ for nothing. Finding anything in there is an ordeal, and I hate the cold. But, I bit the bullet and headed downstairs.

The freezer and I have had our differences, especially since that side of beef arrived. Deep down, I think they secretly hate me and take advantage of my fear of the cold. I pulled open the door, and was hit in the face by an icy blast that I’m certain came from the birthplace of the Abominable Snowman. My glasses fogged up, and as they started to clear, I thought I saw the Himalayas just off to the right.

Usually I avoid going into the freezer, and beg the hubby to go instead. But, since he was Continue reading »

Necessity Is The Mother Of Invention Submitted By Val Enders

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Apr 242012
 

The common phrase “Necessity is the Mother of Invention” should unquestionably be read as “Mother is the inventor, due to the necessity.” I’m not an expert on who invented what, but I do know that mothers and wives probably inspired more than a few nifty do-dads and gadgets. For example, I can visualize the scene that ended with the creation of one of Hubby’s favorite tools … It went something like this…

Massachusetts, 1810: Looking out the cabin door, Tabitha Babbittsees John and Joseph working in the hot sun cutting wood. They seem to be enjoying themselves, pushing the Pitt saw back and forth. However, the work seems to be going much too slow to suit her, and although the men are sweating, they are plainly not making much progress. Time and energy were being wasted. “I wish they would hurry up. There’s a lot of things on this ‘Saturday To Do’ list to do, and Continue reading »

This Does Not Compute! Submitted By Val Enders

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Apr 102012
 

This Does Not Compute!

Today I finally blew my composure. I yelled, cajoled, cried and threatened, all to no avail. The response I got was a blank look, and silence. I even resorted to desk pounding and finger pointing, but nothing seemed to make a difference. It was treating me like a stranger, a nobody, unwanted, even though we have been living together for several years. Oh sure, we have battles, and we usually kiss and makeup, but this morning was the breaking point. It started out like every other morning, except as soon as I sat down with my coffee, it started giving me grief. Yes, I am talking about my live in, my right arm, my source of all things important, my computer.

Messages started almost immediately. “You have scan results. Fifty items detected. Do you want to Continue reading »

It’s a Royal Flush, and I’m Not Talking About Cards! – Submitted By Val Enders

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Apr 022012
 

We were noticing a small leak from the toilet yesterday, so we are fixing it before it gets to be a major reno. I should mention that the hubby is repairing it, as I am not allowed to be around him when there are issues of a “plumbing” nature.

I hear him in the kitchen rummaging through my baking cupboard.

“What are you looking for?” I ask.

“I’m looking for a pan.” he answers.
It suddenly occurs to me why he needs a pan, so I pipe up and declare, “If you think you are using my good baking pans to drain the toilet water in, you had better think again.” (I know how this guy thinks.)

“I don’t know why I can’t use them,” he replies. “It’s just Continue reading »

No More Smelly Bowling Shoes for Mii! – Submitted By Val Enders

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Mar 282012
 

Smelly Bowling Shoes

No More Smelly Bowling Shoes for Mii!

Last week, the two of us decided to go bowling, but when we looked outside and saw how miserable the weather was, we changed our minds in a hurry. Heading into the living room, we fired up the TV, then loaded up the Wii Sports disc to play a frame or two of bowling. Soon, the ‘Mii’s’ took their places behind the foul line, and readied themselves for a little friendly competition.

Real bowling alley sounds came from the TV. By gosh, I was starting to get into the mood of the game! The Mii’s in the next lane were throwing strikes and spares as if the game were going to be declared illegal, and I felt the competitive gene start to roar to life. I was up first, so I Continue reading »

Retire On A Budget With Val’s Step-By-Step Guide – Submitted By Val Enders

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Mar 212012
 

How to Retire on a Budget For Those Golden Years…

After reviewing our retirement options, we decided to make a few changes in our plan for the future. Like most other people, we don’t have a company pension plan, so instead of that multimillion dollar dream home on a warm tropical island, we will be forced to settle for our modest bungalow in the frozen North. So far, this is the game plan that we hope will get us through those golden years, and we’ll try some cost cutting ideas we’ve recently cooked up.

1. We plan to shower and do laundry only once a month. That should lower the water bill, but sadly in order to avoid the smell, it may drive up the usage of deodorant. A large tube of A5-35 may be required (or more garlic), as I frequently notice that these are popular items for masking natural B.O. We’ll also have only two changes of clothes, a clean one, and the dirty one. No more trying to be stylish. What a time saver and cash cow here.

2. We’ll attend every civic and public event for the free eats, no matter what time of day. Sundays. we’ll “drop” in on the Continue reading »

Let’s Do Lunch – Not! – Submitted By Val Enders

 Jokes & Humor, Submissions  6 Responses »
Mar 142012
 

Last weekend, hubby and I went for lunch. So off we toodled to a restaurant we’d previously been to, one we knew had good food and fast service. Upon arriving, we requested a booth, but the hostess ushered us to a small table along the main aisle.

I’m not sure what it is about the way we appear. Maybe we look like we’re right off the farm, or like we have low expectations, but usually we get seated next to a kitchen door, the washrooms, or across from the family with screaming and crying toddlers. This time, we were eye level with rear ends waiting in line for a table, and had a great view of butt cracks and panty lines.

Our hostess gave us our menus, asked what we would like to drink, and then Continue reading »

If You Could Read My Mind – Submitted By Val Enders

 Jokes & Humor, Submissions  2 Responses »
Mar 062012
 

I’ve often thought that it’s a good thing that we can’t read each others minds. If we could I’m sure I’d be labeled “certifiable”, “crazy”, or “a danger to myself and society”. “I was attending a meeting the other night and all my mind was interested in was yakking to itself. Sometimes I feel that I am just a third party observer between these nitwits who are supposed to be in charge my body.

Left Brain: “I wish we’d stayed home. I hate election meetings.”

Right Brain: “Oh for pity sake, just pay attention to what’s going on and don’t get us into any trouble.”

Stomach: (making loud gurgling noises): “That chili you wolfed down at supper isn’t Continue reading »

Happy Birthday to Me! – Submitted By Val Enders

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Feb 282012
 

This Friday is my sixty-second birthday. I’m not at the point that I am ready to brag about my age either. Hubby wanted to know if I’d like to have a party, and we all know how much trouble that is. It’s not the fact that I don’t want to listen to others’ pensions schemes and ailments, or how wonderful their last vacation was, it’s just that at my age I am content to spend a quiet evening with my better half.

When we were kids we had lots of games that we used to play at parties. They were always lots of fun and we always ended those parties with a little goody bag of candies and cheap toys.

Well now that I am getting older, the games have definitely changed. Instead of playing “Simon Says”, the hubby and I enjoy our own version called Continue reading »

We’re Not Like That! – Submitted By Val Enders

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Feb 212012
 

I have to admit that I am not the world’s most observant person, but lately some things have had me sitting up and taking notice. Saturday the hubby and I went to do a few errands. Walking into a hardware store, I couldn’t help but notice a gentleman standing across the aisle. Whispering to hubby, I made the comment “Look at that guy’s hair. It looks like someone sneaked up on him with a leaf blower and gave it the what for!” I really couldn’t believe it. His hair was shooting straight out the front and standing on end. Now I know that this was not his “fashion statement”, because this guy was at least fifty five, and I got the impression that he had Continue reading »

Grocery Shopping – Gong Show Or Game Show? – Submitted By Val Enders

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Feb 072012
 

I hate grocery shopping!

Driving into the parking lot, I see other shoppers circling their wagons looking for a spot as the “parking lot rodeo” goes full force. My accelerator’s going up and down like a bride’s nightie as I look for a space, and finally, spying an opening, I burn a u-ee, stomping on that gas pedal like I’m killing ants.

Darn! It’s one of those Handicap slots! Just once I’d like to see a spot for people who didn’t have small children, people who could walk just fine and weren’t preggers. I eventually score a Continue reading »

Re-thinking My Stand On Adult Diapers And Giggle Pads – Submitted By Val Enders

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Jan 242012
 

Recently, I had to go for a gall bladder/pelvic ultrasound. As usual, I just had to share my experience with the girls. So here it is…

Hi Girls

Today was my appointment for the gall bladder/pelvic ultrasound my doctor had ordered. There are some pre-test instructions that are given the night before, and God forbid you should get a good night’s rest before one of these torture sessions. My instructions were as follows: Drink as much water as you can, don’t eat anything after 8 p.m., don’t pee after 12 p.m., and come to your test with a full bladder. Sound familiar?

I arrived for my appointment, announced who was, and was handed a Continue reading »

Zippity Da Zumba Day – Submitted By Val Enders

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Jan 172012
 

Recently, my daughter Cindy registered me for a class in “Zumba” (an exercise done to latin music) as a Christmas gift. Apparently, I don’t get enough excercise to suit her. My girlfriends all wanted me to email them after my class to let them know how it went, so here it is.

Hi Girls,

I know you’re all waiting to hear how my 9:00 am “Zumba” class went this morning.

It was certainly an eye opener.

I got to the gym, and when you first go in, you have to get to the fitness room through the gym, where all the dedicated early morning workout people have been at it for at least (by the looks of it) one or two hours. Some pretty “buff” people in there. I already felt Continue reading »