Recently I had the ‘pleasure’ of being surrounded by several persons of the female persuasion. Normally, Crazy Lady and I live a fairly quiet, almost reclusive life. But, once a year, I’m subjected to a feminine genetic reunion of three generations. Now, don’t get me wrong, Screeches and Cream’s family is just as nice as they come, but I’m just instinctively nervous about being a male around all that estrogen in one place, at one time. The nice thing is that O. Yesuwill always so enjoys their visit (and don’t tell anyone, but I do too), and the whole time her attention is focused ‘elsewhere’.
The royal family arrived on a Tuesday, and soon I was in the court of Her Highness, Queen Mother Candace, Princess Jennifer and their heir apparent, Princess Maddison. Cringing at the fact that now I’d have to eat at the table, with silverware and all, I faced the task of social etiquette with all the style and grace that a redneck can muster. I did my best to remember to close the bathroom door when using it, to control gas valves at both ends to minimize volume (for the most part), and did my best not to use my potty mouth.
Now, just a word of advice to you fellas with more than one bathroom in the house. Make sure that you use the same one on a regular basis. No female in her right mind will use it if there’s an alternative. Then there’s never any argument about seats left up or down, toilet paper last three times as long, and there ain’t going to be hair ties and such allowed to touch any of the surfaces. Oddly, females seem reluctant to use a shower littered with short, permanently permed hairs, so you can have the bathroom pretty well all to yourself. But, be forewarned, if your spouse decides to ‘clean it’, insist on doing it yourself. No woman trusts a man’s cleaning ethics and abilities, so even if you do get around to cleaning it, they still won’t use it.
Her Majesty’s mother has an excellent sense of humour, and could have very easily been a successful stand up comic. The Empress’s royal sister is not only an avid reader, she’s the suffragette’s sargent of arms. She’s the only female, for generations, that’ll flatten a mouse with a frying pan without so much as batting an eye (and I reckon a fella’s head, if he got out of line). Why, she’d be just at home as a contestant on Jeopardy, as she would be on Survivor. Then, there’s Miss Maddison, who looks like a peach crate label come to life. Her boundless curiosity and enthusiasm was a real treat. I ain’t real sure what she’ll be in life yet, because with her intelligence, it could realistically be anything that she chooses.
All in all, it was sure nice to see the royal entourage having fun, laughing and sharing. I think they enjoyed being here as much as we enjoyed having them, and their visit reminded me that a home is only a home, when folks are in it. For them, being nice is normal, but for me it was a heap like going to a world’s fair, because before I met Miss Kissthis, I never knew a family could get together without fist fights, gun shots, cops and all.