What I Learned From My Children

Today I thought I’d share a list of what I learned from my children. For those who have children, this list is not funny. For those who are pregnant, this list is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this list is birth control.

• My children taught me that a king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
• My children taught me that if you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
• My children taught me that a 3-year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
• My children taught me that if you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
• My children taught me that one should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on; when using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit, and; a ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
• My children taught me that the glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
• My children taught me that when you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh,” it’s already too late.
• My children taught me that brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
• My children taught me that a six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man struggles to do it in the movies.
• My children taught me that certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.
• My children taught me that ‘Play-Doh’ and ‘microwave’ should not be used in the same sentence.
• My children taught me that super glue is forever.
• My children taught me that no matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can’t walk on water.
• My children taught me that pool filters do not like Jell-O.
• My children taught me that garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• My children taught me that marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• My children taught me that one does not want to know what that odor is.
• My children taught me that always look in the oven before you turn it on, and that plastic toys do not do well in ovens.
• My children taught me that the local fire department has a 5-minute response time.
• My children taught me that the spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
• My children taught me that police officers respond to 911 calls parents never knew were made.
• My children taught me that the cats throw up twice their body weight when made dizzy.