Will’s Thought’s – Tips On How To Have Fun With Telemarketers
Crazy Lady spent last week off in Edmonton visiting her kin, which, given what I did to the house the last time she was away, must be a nail-biting experience for her. For me, it has given great credibility to my skill at deceiving myself into thinking that I’m going to ‘enjoy’ a week to myself.
It took exactly one hour and ten minutes for me to feel the first pangs of missing her. It took her eleven seconds to begin calculating the potential ways for me to demonstrate my stupidity. I feel for her, not only does she have the house and gardens to fret over, she knows that no one is around to temper my potty-mouth, and knowing that Will does not play well with others, she’s concerned about what may breech my dykes of decency.
I fooled her this year though, I didn’t do squat to the house, did a great job of looking after her gardens and greenhouse, and declined to tell a single soul to procreate themselves or to visit Satan. However, that pent-up energy had to go somewhere. I needed a pigeon. That’s when the phone rang. With narrowing eyes, I looked at the call display. It said ‘unknown number’.
To avoid smashing the incredibly obnoxious and invasive digital device, I picked it up and said, “Hello.” There was a long pause before a voice finally asked, “Is the man of the family?” Without missing a beat I said, “No, this is the woman of the house, I have a really deep voice, how dare you!” and hung up. Less than three hours later, the danged detestable ding-a-linging started again. Like a hungry cougar balanced on a ledge above prey, I felt my muscles coiling, preparing for the pounce.
The call began, “Mr. Roney?” I said, “No, but hang on for a moment and I’ll get him.” I put the phone on the couch and moseyed downstairs to play on the computer. There was no one there hours later. The next morning I darn near sprayed the ceiling with coffee as I went past the phone, just as it went off like a telecommunication grenade armed booby-trap. Resisting the urge to see if I could hit the space station with the darn contraption, I calmed myself, set down my coffee, picked up the handset and said, “Telecommunication fraud, phone division, how may I direct your call?” There was dead silence on the other end.
As I placed the phone back in its cradle, my mind (always a kaleidoscope of kink) was working overtime. The next 1-888 call, I answered the phone, but said nothing. After a few moments of silence, a female voice finally said, “Hello?” Putting on my best ‘Indian’ accent, I sobbed, “Grandfather! Oh, dear God, grandfather! How I have missed you. My wife continually farts, my boss beats me almost daily and the neighbors will NOT stop making love…won’t you please come and help me?” After a pregnant pause, the call disconnected.
I reckon that one of these days it’ll probably be a serious call, but after decades of repetitious foolishness and nonsense, that’s expected collateral damage. In the meantime, I’m like a kid with a BB gun and a box of BB’s in a room full of balloons, that is, until Miss Party-Pooper gets home. Oops, gotta go, there’s the phone… 🙂
Will’s thoughts prove that everybody has opinions, but he has way more than he should. From dogs that won’t stop barking, to the antics of his spouse, ‘Crazy Lady’, Will’s Thoughts will make you smile.
