Will’s Thoughts On Tips To Survive Menopause.
During menopause, a woman’s ovaries stop making eggs and they produce less estrogen and progesterone. Changes in these hormones cause menopause symptoms. In man speak, that translates to “Run Forrest. Run Forrest, run!” It is the biological time of a woman’s life when she is most dangerous. Her intellect is peaking, her self awareness is off the charts, and her body is refusing to cooperate with any of the experts. To this lethal cocktail, add a racing heart (NOT due to your sexy body), hot flashes which bring about sudden cryogenic changes to your lifestyle, and a decreased sex drive (is that even humanly possible?). Menopausal mood swings, including irritability, depression and anxiety, provide the perfect recipe for home grown prairie oysters, and can transform your romantic advances into a full-fledged hockey brawl.
For men who have not experienced their spouse going through menopause yet, it’s kind of like living in Disneyland. In the morning, Snow White’s meaner than a pirate from the Caribbean, yet when the phone rings, she talks like Tinkerbell. All afternoon she is Cruella Deville, and at bedtime, she is Sleeping Beauty. Yep, from the time she wakes, to the time she begins to make ‘feminine nasal noises’, it’s like she becomes each of the seven dwarfs, though she seems to heavily favor Grumpy. For her additional entertainment, she seems to love scaring the begeezus out of me at night by pretending to be asleep when I get up to use the washroom. When I am done, I quietly approach the bed, doing my best not to disturb her. As I slowly and gently pull the covers back, lifting my leg to carefully slip into bed, in her ‘wide awake’ voice she says, “Did you wash your hands?” Assuring ‘The Shadow’ that I did, while peeling myself off the ceiling before defibrillating myself, I can almost see her smirking as she lays in the dark.
Due to menopause’s ‘hot flashes’, our house is so cold (how cold is it?) ice water becomes an ice cube, and foreign governments have asked to rent our living room for seed storage. When the exterior of our home is viewed with an infrared camera during the winter, it’s blue, and the snow on the roof and in the yard shows up red. In the summer I amuse myself by leaving the back door open to let bugs in. It’s awesome to watch the flying ones make it about ten feet into the house before their little wings ice up, tiny lungs freeze and their flight controls seize. Crawling insects make it about five inches before becoming ‘bugsicles’. When our relatives visit, they all know to wear cold weather survival gear, and Queen Arctica giggles at every yelp when a bare butt hits a toilet seat.
I don’t know what menopause is like for women, but it’s my opinion that for men, it’s about as fun as doing intensive aerobics in barbed wire underwear, while gargling peanut butter and whacking our toes with a hammer. I reckon the one thing that menopause sure ain’t, is boring. Yep, menopause is challenging at times, but it’s all part and parcel of loving each other, and I reckon it’s a fitting revenge for decades of cramps, irritability and bloating she had during ‘that time of the month’.
Will’s thoughts prove that everybody has opinions, but he has way more than he should. From dogs that won’t stop barking, to the antics of his spouse, ‘Crazy Lady’, Will’s Thoughts will make you smile.
If your going to get through this unscathed you need to get some defences in place, when the object of your affection is in bed and radiating enough heat to fry bacon. Go outside, winter is best for this, strip neked and get really chilled to the bone then go back to bed and cuddle in to your beloved thus cooling her down. Then for your own amusement, when your sure your darling is in a calm and deep sleep, put your hand in the freezer until it’s nice and cold, then slip back into bed. This works best when her back is towards you, cuddle in again, make sure you get a firm grip, and then slip the freezing hand down to the lower belly area. It’s like a rodeo rider getting set loose on a wild horse, hang on for as long as you can before making a run for it.
It’s going to be a long haul buddy take care
tata the noo
One thing I’ve learned about life, is you are never going to get through it unscathed. I do like the ideas, and it’d nice to see someone else scrapping themself off the ceiling for a change! Unfortunately, Crazy Lady would panic if I threw her into some kind of grip, which would probably result in accidental-on-purpose neutering followed by decades of celibacy, dirty looks and a lot of romantic “Ah! Don’t even think about it”.
Love is a long ride, sometimes smooth and wide, other times rough and narrow. The best decision I ever made was welcoming Crazy Lady as my partner, co-driver and navigator (a role that carried into the house…). Yep, I reckon if she tolerated me staggering home from Einstein’s Bar and Grill, I can learn to duck, jump, stay warm and adjust to volcanic conversation.
Ironically as we’ve aged, our roles almost seem to have flip flopped. Touching shows that I once used to laugh at, as she cried, she now ignores as she heckles me about ‘needing a tissue’. My impatience and frustration once broke the majority of items that managed to get destroyed around the house, but her rage when it fires up now…, well, let’s just say that if any special forces ever need ‘take ’em out’ commando, she’s for hire.
Thanks again for posting Hoolet, and always remember; Treat strangers like family, and family better than strangers,