Here is a short list of definitions of the world according to Mom:
AFRICA: Legendary continent reportedly populated by children who love leftovers.
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor at least once, to want more kids.
APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children trade for cupcakes.
BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom, to be self-cleaning.
BECAUSE: Mom’s reasons for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically.
COOK: Mom’s other name.
DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
EYE: The highly susceptible optic organ which, according to Mom, can be “put out” by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly-handled butter knife.
FROZEN: What Hell will be the day Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
HAMPER: A container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
“I SAID SO”: Reason enough, according to Mom.
KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.
MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically, makes Mom look better while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”
SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped perform two important functions – protecting children from the cold, and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
“WHEN YOU FATHER GETS HOME”: Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.
XYLOPHONE: Small musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long!
YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kids’ outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos that she can’t bear to part with.
