Will’s Thoughts | Crazy Lady Loves A Slug

It turned out that despite what Crazy Lady thought, Ralph was actually a Ralphette, and the Queen of Revoltium just expanded her kingdom.

They say only a mother could love a slug: One of our kids asked me why I call Cathie ‘Crazy Lady’. Now before all you do-gooders bust out in protest and set up tents in our yard, this ain’t about mental illness, verbal abuse or damaged self-esteem. I call her Crazy Lady, because it’s her Indian name (which I gave her). We have a tradition of naming people for things we see, such as when a baby is born, parents will name the child for the first thing they observe. Cathie and I met ‘later’ in life, so when we first woke together, I said she was crazy to stay with me … and she’s lived up to her name ever since. For example; Cathie told our son that we had slugs in our garden, and felt it was important to go out back and down the hill to show him. About an hour went by, and it was WAY too quiet out there, so I put on my moccasins and checked on them. There, huddled over the plastic bottom of a hamster’s cage, with a grin that any nine year old would have been proud of, was Crazy Lady.

The sudden appearance of the baby slugs occurred close to the same time as the disappearance of Ralphette, putting detective Youbettermister hot on the culprit’s trail.

A stick in one hand, and poised for immediate flight, she excitedly said, “Look! Isn’t this so cool?” Expecting to see a baby bird or rodent, I recoiled with disgust. She’d found a slug, and one so big it could have easily been mistaken for a small boa constrictor. I was then told its name was ‘Ralph’, and it was her new pet. Rarely in history have humans and slugs bonded, yet, bond they did. I was getting jealous. She’d spend hours out there feeding him slug treats, cleaning his cage or just staring at him with love in her eyes. Just as I was about to introduce Ralph to Corey (as in Corey’s Snail & Slug Bait), Crazy Lady burst into the house with a look of utter shock and bewilderment. Suspecting she’d somehow read my murderous thoughts, I asked, “What?” She exclaimed, “Ralph isn’t Ralph. He’s a she. Ralph is Ralphette, and Ralphette has given birth!” As excited as I’d be to gargle frogs, I went to see what all the commotion was about. Sure as heck, the Princess of Slime had procreated, and several crystal clear egg sacks were now in a corner of the court of the Queen of Revoltium.

Awww, how darling! Doesn’t it just make you want to sit around all day watching the antics of the ‘cute’ little sacks of mucus with eyes stuck on the end of tapioca towers?

Within days, Indiana Bones was back in my space, dragging me off on yet another adventure. This time, detective Youbettermister was mystified by the sudden and baffling disappearance of Ralphette. Not wanting to have to live through an 9.9 emotional earthquake, I suggested that after the birth, the magnificent creature had escaped, but choosing not to leave her owner heartbroken, she’d left her children to love and adore. Crazy Lady was sad, but she was comforted by the antics of the ‘cute’ little sacks of mucus with eyes stuck on the end of tapioca towers, and it wasn’t long before I was being drug outside to watch the latest episode of “Good God, I’m Disgusting”. But, as winter approached, and plans were drawn up to turn our home into a slug kennel, wicked fall winds and rain ‘unfortunately’ filled their realm with water, returning the little sluggies to the elements from whence they came. After giving me a polygraph to be sure I wasn’t responsible for their demise, and a short period of mourning, she returned to being her amazing self, I secretly thanked the Creator and our life returned to abnormal.

Will’s thoughts prove that everybody has opinions, but he has way more than he should. From dogs that won’t stop barking, to the antics of his spouse, ‘Crazy Lady’, Will’s Thoughts will make you smile.