Val’s Step-By-Step Guide To Retirement
After reviewing our retirement options, we decided to make a few changes in our plan for the future. Like most other people, we don’t have a company pension plan, so instead of that multi-million dollar dream home on a warm tropical island, we will be forced to settle for our modest bungalow in the frozen North. So far, this is the game plan that we hope will get us through those golden years and we’ll try some cost cutting ideas we’ve recently cooked up.
1. We plan to shower and do laundry only once a month. That should lower the water bill, but sadly in order to avoid the smell, it may drive up the usage of deodorant. A large tube of A5-35 may be required (or more garlic), as I frequently notice that these are popular items for masking natural B.O. We’ll also have only two changes of clothes, a clean one and the dirty one. No more trying to be stylish. What a time saver and cash cow here.
2. We’ll attend every civic and public event for the free eats, no matter what time of day. Sundays. we’ll “drop” in on the relatives around 6:00 p.m.
3. Letting our hair grow will save on haircuts, or maybe I’ll be bald by then due to lack of estrogen. Either way, it’s money in the bank here.
4. According to the rumor mill, there’s money to be made in the bottle picking business, but pickers are very territorial. We’ll have to watch our back so we don’t end up with a wooden shampoo. (Baseball bat on the head).
5. Instead of “meatless” Monday’s, it will be “meatless” Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and soup bone Sunday.
6. Hubby said he would give up shaving to save money on blades, so in all fairness, I said I wouldn’t shave my beard either. (Mine was one of the perks of menopause.)
7. Since we won’t be purchasing from the liquor store and will have more time, we plan to get on our bicycles (saving gas) and with our ice cream pails tied onto our belts, head out into the wild blue yonder to pick berries. We have our own wine making stuff already, so brewing our own booze should be a cake walk. Last time we did that, our chokecherry wine exploded (we stored it next to the stove), but after years of research, we now know better.
8. TV will be a thing of the past, and so will the bill, since there is nothing but crap on there anyway. Besides, we have taped every episode of the “Rifleman” and “Gunsmoke” and will be able to watch those for the rest of our natural lives, (at least it will seem like the rest of our natural lives) on DVD. We’ll play cards every evening with a card deck that we plan on making ourselves out of old cereal boxes. By then I’ll need them that big because the peepers are getting worse, and it’ll give me a chance to do creative artwork. We’ll be getting up with the sun, and going to bed with the chickens to save power. (Now I know why we older people are up at 5:00 a.m., and are in bed at 8:00 p.m. Smart bunch.)
We used to worry about how we were going to make it come retirement time, but you know, since we made this plan, we’re eagerly awaiting the time when we can be ourselves. Just think, no more dressing up to go to parties, no more pantyhose, no more buying things we won’t need, and our new Mantra will be “WE CAN’T AFFORD IT”.
Sleeping in when we feel like it, and curling up with a good book on rainy days sounds like heaven. Staying indoors in the winter when the snow is blowing and piling up outside is one of our dream vacations. That’ll be us waving out the window as everyone else fights the icy roads to work.
We just can’t wait. We’re headed for a great retirement….. Now, let’s just hope that nothing goes wrong!
Author Val Enders resides in Spruce Grove, Alberta. She married her high school sweetheart, Richard, and they’ve been together for over 40 years. Val doesn’t consider herself a writer by profession, rather she writes more for her own enjoyment. An accomplished artist, Val’s a member of the Allied Arts Council of Spruce Grove. Visit Val’s “Journey Into Art” website at www.vals.webs.com
