It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. – George Burns
“Lie me a river…” There are many memorable words that have been spoken throughout history, but there are countless others that should not be memorable and yet we tend to keep those in mind most. This happens particularly more when people are drinking, mainly because mental capacities diminish. With that in mind, let’s go over some of the lies that drunk people say:
1. “I can do that. Here… hold my beer.”
This one is great when you hear captain oblivious act like Evil Knievel. This would be the moment when a sensible person steps in to avert any potential harm from happening to a person. But if no sensible person is around, just wait for hilarity to ensue.
2. “Don’t worry… I’ll pull out.”
Worry you should. We’ve all been there, where we’re getting tired, things are getting a little too hot and before you know it, your marshmallow fluff is dripping everywhere making everything sticky and essentially ruining a perfectly good treat. There is nothing worse than burning your marshmallows for smores… absolutely nothing.
3. “I didn’t do that?”
You most certainly did Urkel, by simply discussing whether that was your fault or not should signal that it was indeed your fault. And even if it wasn’t, I’m going to blame it on you because you’re too drunk to realize.
4. “It’s funny… the more I drink, the less it hurts.”
No Hercules that’s not funny, by the strength of that blow you just took to your head you may well be concussed. I wouldn’t fall asleep if I were you… in fact, you should probably put down that beer as well. For the record that’s what you get when you try to hit a ramp with a lawnmower.
5. “I got a great joke!”
God help you it better be good and for Fraggle Rock’s sake, don’t screw up the punch line. There’s nothing worse, or more painful, than watching a person who isn’t funny attempt to be funny, and fail. The only humorous part to it is the irony, which means they are certainly NOT laughing with you.
6. *Burp* “I’m okay to drive. Where’s my keys?”
Really man… you’re going to be as brazen to burp pure ethanol into my face then request my assistance in helping you find your rolling death machine? I think I’ll pass in helping you become the king of tools tonight friend. Idiot…
7. “Bro! You just stepped on my sneaker…”
Woah there buddy. Let’s consider this before you fly off the handle. We’re here getting down on a dance floor no bigger than the size of my bathroom, everyone is spilling their drinks which they precariously dance with in hand, people are too drunk to stand upright so we’re being knocked around every which way, you have all white sneakers on in an already filthy club and you’re claiming I dirtied the tips of them by that last little dance maneuver I attempted and failed? What if I said your V-neck is so deep, it should be studying post impressionism at UC Berkeley? No, no, you’re right… I do deserve to take this outside.
8. “No, no, no. Don’t worry… just trust me.”
That’s where you are wrong man, I do trust you… to be an idiot. Which is why I don’t trust you any further than that. But come on… I said I trusted you. What more do you want?
9. “I don’t hate nobody…”
Do you know what I hate? When people start off conversations with, “I don’t hate…” Which is why I can no longer bare to keep this one going.
10. “It might be the tequila talking but…”
Sir, it’s most definitely the tequila talking. No one in their right mind would ever think or care to ride that bull that’s been ridden by the whole town… after all it’s filthy and more importantly it’s mechanized. We all know machines are better than us, you’ll never survive.
The bottom line is that drunk people always ask the same questions and I always answer you the same way. What is it about you being drunk that causes people’s memory to go to crap? Though, the alcohol does give them one positive attribute… persistence. No matter how many times I tell them no, they keep asking. Beyond that though, they annoy me to no end. And since we’re asking stuff, will someone please just make them shut ‘TFU!’ up for once?
The author of this article is Damien S. Wilhelmi. If you enjoyed this piece you can follow me on Twitter @JakabokBotch.