I Just Do Not Measure Up | By Val Enders

Men and women speak different languages, and relate differently to certain situations. A case in point is how we measure things. I am the first to admit that I am, what Hubby lovingly refers to as, “Measuring impaired.” He, on the other hand, is the King of the tape measure.

In our house we have several measuring contraptions. Drawers in every room shelter at least some device for calculating how long, short, or wide something is. Rulers, meter sticks, tape measures and a host of other devices, lurk in every nook and cranny. Hubby even wears a tape measure strapped to his belt, like at any moment he’ll be called upon to solve a critical “measuring dilemma”!

I’m only good for holding the end of the tape. Occasionally, he asks me to read it and give him an accurate count.

Hubby:  “Okay how many feet is that?”

Me:  “I’d say 6 feet and a little bit”.

Hubby:  “A little bit… like what? An inch, two inches, or a quarter of an inch? Be a little more specific, okay?”

Me: “Alright, it’s about six feet and five of the big thingee marks. Plus, maybe seven of the little thingee marks after the big ones.”

Hubby: “You’ve got to be kidding me? What kind of measurement is that?”

Me:  “The more specific one you asked for. Most women wouldn’t have a problem understanding that. That’s how most of us measure.”

I proceed to tell him the dynamics of how the female mind works when it comes to measuring. For example, we’re  comfortable measuring three yards of material, string, wool, etcetra, by holding the end and stretching it out from our nose to as far as we can reach with our arm.  Do that three times, and voila, three yards. No problemo!  If we happen to need a square, round, or triangular shape described, we simply use our hands to indicate what shape and size we need it, and use the phrase “ about so”.  In a nutshell, it’s clear and concise, and universally understood by the majority of ladies. This eliminates the usage of confusing things like, metric, or imperial systems. Sometimes, when we have to measure things more accurately, we use the “little line thingee” technique, which brings us back to the situation at hand.

Hubby:  “You’re full of baloney. Nobody with half a brain measures like that.”

Me:  “Yes they do. That’s why I always tell you to build things to LOOK level not BE level. Something can be level, and still look crooked.”

Usually, if I want to yank his chain, all I have to do is mention the fact that what he’s just built is crooked. That really pushes his buttons, and sends him into a re-measuring frenzy.

Me:  “Oh by the way, “can you cut a piece of mirror for a friend of mine”?

“I guess so, but I’m afraid to ask.” “What size does she need it?”

I put my hands up to convey what size and shape I mean, adding the magical words, “just so”.  “And, add six of those little thingee lines. We had to be really accurate with this one…. it’s going in an existing frame.

I could be wrong, but right now, I think I see tears in his eyes.

Author Val Enders resides in Spruce Grove, Alberta. She married her high school sweetheart, Richard, and they’ve been together for over 40 years. Val doesn’t consider herself a writer by profession, rather she writes more for her own enjoyment. An accomplished artist, Val’s a member of the Allied Arts Council of Spruce Grove. Visit Val’s “Journey Into Art” website at www.vals.webs.com