Will’s Thoughts – Make Crazy Lady Empress Of The Known Universe
I reckon that the world has gone crazy, and to now restore sanity, two things need to occur. The first is turning care of the world’s money over to Certified General Accountants. Second, we need to appoint Crazy Lady as ‘Empress of the Known Universe’. She has decades of experience as the Speaker of our House, Minister of Finance, Minister of Equality, Minister of Education and Minister of International and Domestic Affairs. Yep, Crazy Lady is just perfect for the job, and here’s the logic and reasons for me nominating her.
First, the Banshee of Blarney sure as heck ain’t afraid to speak her mind. Second, trying to get Dr. Dissuade to spend money is like trying to stretch a flea’s butt over a rain barrel. Third, the Princess of Parity insures that everything ‘I’ have is shared equally between us. Fourth, as the Dean of Duties, she sure as heck educates me when I happen to step out of line. Fifth, when it comes to domestic affairs, Homemaker the Hun makes sure that I always do my part. Last, but definitely not least, she also possesses freaky paranormal abilities. She’s quite capable of communicating a wide range of emotions telepathically, has the ability to somehow read my mind, and she intuitively knows when stupid’s about to slap me upside the head.
I guarantee that within hours of her royal appointment, toilet seats across the universe will be put down, abusive and violent people will begin decades of intense electro-shock rehabilitation, world hunger and homelessness will cease, and women will never have to decide what’s for supper again. A new belching by-law will strictly state appropriate places, hours and volume, and is sure to include an extensive flatulence clause. Vocational schools for men will open around the world, featuring diplomas in subjects like Dance, Pedicure Perfection, An Introduction To Washing and Drying (Component 1: Dishes, Component 2: Laundry), Full Body Massage, Listening, Caring, Sharing, Toilet Paper Roll Replacement and Daddies Do Diapers Too.
There sure as heck ain’t any worry that the Dictator of Dollars will ever become a communist either, because she fervently encourages the kids and I to pursue every capitalistic opportunity that comes along (after being screened by her Ministry of Economic Development, of course). Nor will there ever be uncontrolled spending (or any other fun thing for that matter), because any rumours you may have heard about her having a sense of Ha Ha when it comes to spending money, are nothing more than ancient myths.
Now don’t get me wrong here folks. My desire to make Crazy Lady ruler of the universe isn’t because I think so little of our current world leaders. In fact, I think with proper training, most of them could make excellent servants to Her Excellency. Why? Well, they’re experienced ‘front’ people for greater powers, they know how to tell people what they want to hear, they deal with crisis calmly and do as they’re told. We’ve tried turning the world over to the sane, and the whole world went crazy. Now, to fix it, I reckon that we need to appoint Crazy Lady to run it, and let her make it sane again.
Will’s thoughts prove that everybody has opinions, but he has way more than he should. From dogs that won’t stop barking, to the antics of his spouse, ‘Crazy Lady’, Will’s Thoughts will make you smile.