Thoughts On Growing Older
I reckon I thought that growing older was going to be different somehow. Ironically, it turned out to be different, but in ways that I never imagined. I used to snore so loud that it set off car alarms outside, now when I’m asleep others worry that I’m dead. I’ve also learned that you can live without sex, but not without glasses and that my back goes out a heap more than I do. The snowflakes that I once enjoyed have become an endurance test, slipping and sliding have gone from gliding to colliding and cold goes deeper into my bones than ever before.
At The Risk Of Being Rude
I used to vainly hold my stomach in when around others, now at the risk of being rude, I protrude like someone in their ninth month of pregnancy and waddle fancier than an Emperor Penguin. Some of the most significant changes of growing older to date, are that I now use a lawnmower to cut grass, a pipe to smoke tobacco and roll papers to light the fireplace.
It was common to see a compass attached to the dash of my grandparent’s vehicles when I grew up – and though it mystified me at the time, now I understand why. When I was young, I used to brag about my H-Stock Modified 1955 Chevy with wheelie bars, souped up engine and competition tranny. Growing older, now I brag about my lawn mower and its ‘mega’ bagging capacity.
March To Maturity
I used to complain about having to go get gas, now I bitch about getting rid of it. My march to maturity has caused me to replace beer with coffee, arrogance with curiosity and aggression with understanding. I now comprehend why there are speed limits, and am simply amazed by how young police officers are. I must have also turned another social corner at some darn point, because my neighbors now ask to borrow my tools.
My Entire Hit List Is Now Elevator Music
Growing older, my eyes are starting to feel the years, so nights have somehow gotten much darker and my arms are quickly becoming too short to read newspapers. Instead of rolling my eyes, I actually hum along with elevator music, which strangely plays my entire hit list. Instead of drinking bravado and showing off scars from battles and misfortune, today I enjoy sitting in the the hospital cafeteria hearing the down and dirty about other people’s operations.
Drooling Over Donation Gifts
When people call me at 9:00 a.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”, I start to giggle and let them know that I was actually in the middle of eating my lunch. I’ve matured so much that I’ve not only begun sending money to PBS, I now catch myself drooling over the great gifts available for different donation amounts.
Yep, growing older means that the end of my tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of my pants anymore. I can’t remember the last time I laid on the floor to watch television and I’m contemplating buying myself a metal detector. The inside of my ears and nose are hairier than my head, I’ve actually gotten into heated arguments about pension plans and I can now go bowling without drinking alcohol.
Unexpected Benefits
I thought that growing older was going to be different and it is. It comes with its own set of difficulties, but it also comes with unexpected benefits such as; instead of busting me for pot plants in the yard, police officers now help me to ‘thin’ them “so it doesn’t happen again”. Doctors give me good drugs without bullshitting and begging and people actually expect me to be unsteady on my feet. So, I reckon that there just ain’t no denying it, I’m growing older. But, I intend to enjoy every minute of life that’s left. From this day forth I will be who I choose to be, not who others choose to see. For I live on!
Will’s thoughts prove that everybody has opinions, but he has way more than he should. From dogs that won’t stop barking, to the antics of his spouse, ‘Crazy Lady’, Will’s Thoughts will make you smile.
