Will’s Thoughts about Ray Ray, Crazy Lady & A DIY Grow Light.

Now, I reckon that I ain’t a jealous fella, but every once in while I’ll make an exception. Case in point; a mysterious male internet ‘friend’ of Crazy Lady’s, called “Ray Ray”. I first heard his dastardly name mentioned in January, but it was in passing, so like anyone with reproductive organs attached externally, I paid no attention. But I should have, because soon Ray Ray began to haunt my dreams. By the beginning of February, Mrs. Greenjeans began talking about how she was itching to ‘get out of the house’ and ‘play’. This was when Ray Ray moved into our lives. I started hearing his moniker mentioned far too often, and soon, I started putting ‘Ray Ray’, ‘getting out’ and ‘playing’ together. It wasn’t long before I was almost 100% certain, Ray Ray was out to ruin my day and take my love away.

It took me a spell to figure out how the lovebirds met each other, and why all their conversations lately required her to wear earphones. Then it occurred to me, the jerk was sending her videos, and there she was, mesmerized by the dirty digital dandy. My curiosity (aka jealousy) began to get the best of me, so I began find reasons to draw near and ‘casually’ glance at her screen as I passed, but she always managed to switch to some indoor gardening video before I got there. Her mention of this homewrecker, Ray Ray, had by now almost become a spiritual chant, and she made no effort to soften the blow to my ego as another man obsessively filled her thoughts. Ray Ray was now officially beginning to make me jealous.

Then, it all came to head the other day, because a confrontation was inevitable. It started when Madame Youwannabet headed for the door, a glazed look in her eye, mumbling just under her breath. When I asked where she was headed, she incoherently babbled something about ‘her’ Ray Ray. The next thing I knew, she was in her van and gone. As my heart’s weight became unbearable, I began to ask myself where I’d gone wrong. What had I done to drive her out the door and to another man? Then, as I fought back tears, the anger began to build inside, as fear and humiliation fanned the flames of fury until they were white hot. Hurt, angry and feeling sorry for myself, I suppressed the instinct to drown my sorrows in alcohol, instead I paced frantically, until I spotted her van returning.

While she had been gone long enough for a little ‘you-know-what’ with Sir Cyber Cool, I was puzzled because she was gone for less than an hour. She got out of the van and began unloading galvanized furnace ducting, electrical cords, light bulbs, light fixtures and a long metal rod. She smiled mischievously at me, and then asked something that darned near knocked my butt onto the floor. She said, “Honey, will you help me make it with Ray Ray?” Visions filled my mind that were far too adult to be mentioned here, and my response was about to be way too profane. But, she continued before I could reply, “I think I’ve got everything we need, including a few bags of dirt and a nice long rod.” I was about to spit my teeth across the room (and I don’t wear dentures)! When she saw the lava beginning to drip from my eyes, acting all innocent she asked, “What!?”

“What?” I fumed, “I’ll bloody tell you what! You keep mentioning some guy, Ray Ray, and over the last few weeks, his confounded name has become all that I hear. Recently, you’ve taken to talking about how you’re itching to ‘get out and play’, and took to wearing earphones when you’re on the internet. Then today, you dash out here without so much as a goodbye, mumbling something about ‘your’ Ray Ray, leaving me here with no idea of what the heck happened. Then, the next thing I know, you’re back, hauling in bizarre stuff and asking me to join in some kind of a kinky mechanical ménage à trois. So… you tell me what?” I stood there glaring into her eyes as emotions passed over her face like cloud shadows on a windy prairie day.

I watched her expression go from shocked to offended, from anger to the verge of laughter, then from pity to disdain. Finally, she broke down and spilled the beans. She said that it all began one cold winter night, when I was busy working on some project. Bored, she began to fantasize about warm weather, sunny days and soon her fantasies led her to Ray Ray. She said that she fell in love almost right away, and knew from that moment on, that RayRay was destined to be a part of her life. At this point, I was fighting back alligator tears and was about to fall apart. She went on to say that she hadn’t planned on things turning out the way they did, and how she really wished that I would help her to ‘make it’ with Ray Ray. Then she smiled and said, “I know helping me may be a little dirty, but I’m dying to get something planted soon, so I think it’s time for you to meet Ray Ray.”

Motioning me over to join her on the couch, she brought up his profile on Facebook. I thought to myself, ‘There’s the dirty ‘#$%@&*!. Oh ya, buddy, your face is burned into my memory now!’ Then she said, “I think you need to see this,” and clicked on a link to a Youtube video. I was dumbfounded. Miss Understood had been playing me like a violin! She had found a cool lighting system to start her usual spring flowers, and just wanted me to help her build it. It turned out that her urge to ‘get out’ was to her greenhouse, and her desire to ‘play’ was in her dirt. Ray ‘Ray Ray’, as his Facebook name turned out to be, had made an awesome instructional video (one of many) that she, who can sound like nails on a chalk board when she wants to, found while trying to find a better way to get her greenery going this year. So now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some tools I need to get ready, and egg that I really need to remove from my face. Then, it’s off to help her make what she allegedly has been calling her “Ray Ray Light” for the last few weeks. You see, it turns out that due to testicular blockages in my ear canals, I missed hearing the “light” part, and only heard “Ray Ray”….:-)