Will’s Thoughts | Potholes So Big They Have Zip Codes

Will’s Thoughts – Dang Potholes!

Happy pothole season! Yep, it’s that time of year again and everyone around here has a story about a monstrous paved black hole in the road that they or a relative almost lost their life in. Our potholes are truly legendary and yet, as much as people complain about them, they do serve a purpose sometimes. It turns out that gangsters love big shiny rims and pimped out vehicles. Well, apparently they find craters big enough to have been the result of an asteroid strike and low profile tires on chromed 20’s to be ‘incompatible’. Needless to say, the criminal element’s appalled at the condition of the roads and is now thinking about relocating.

And when we say that our streets have gone to hell, we literally mean it. We’re being sued by Lucifer for a bunch of potholes that destroyed his front yard. Heck, paved pools are getting so large that our tow trucks now pack scuba gear and watercraft to locate and pull people out. Why, I saw a pothole so big the other day – how big was it? – that a rescue squad had to time their recovery attempts between the water’s huge swells to avoid being smashed against the jagged asphalt shoreline. There are even potholes around town so big that ‘Steep Grade’ signs have been posted going into them and turn out lanes have been built for vehicles who’ve burned up their brakes. And there’s even been several commercial and residential building permit applications for the newly created waterfront properties, including Starbucks, all currently be considered.

Now you city folks might think that I’m exaggerating and think those tiny little pocks in the pavement you run across are potholes, but that just makes us laugh until we pee. Why? Because we have ourselves holes so darn huge that they have their own zip and area codes! Heck, not only do we have to worry about losing our lives in roadway Poseidon adventures, our bodies might sink so deep that they’ll be way too expensive to recover. I reckon that it won’t be too long before the government gets in on the action and builds floats and campgrounds, then starts charging people dock fees. In fact, our potholes are so immense that Greenpeace just got into town, other nations are now donating foreign aid to us and our film commission has been contacted by the famous film director, James Cameron. It seems that Jim’s looking to film the world’s deepest dive and heard that one of our potholes is even deeper than the Mariana Trench.

Now, being a curious guy (in way too many ways), I’ve always wondered why local governments don’t just simply make lemonade from lemons. You see, potholes have won war after war, year after year, so instead of stupidly continuing to fight them, why not turn them into economic opportunities and make money? We should just leave the potholes alone, divert the roadways around them and then exploit the fiscal possibilities, such as promoting international pothole tourism by putting in waterslide parks and hosting international boating competitions on them. Heck, I bet they’d make a million bucks just selling pet potholes (petholes) on eBay, but they have to hurry because the SPCP (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Potholes) is sure to quickly appear. Yep, it’s pothole season folks, but that doesn’t mean we all need to stay home because the potholes here really aren’t that bad. Just remember to wear life jackets in the vehicle, keep windows open and take a personal locator. So, grab your fishing gear, pack up some food, water, flares and survival gear, then get out there and enjoy!

Will’s thoughts prove that everybody has opinions, but he has way more than he should. From dogs that won’t stop barking, to the antics of his spouse, ‘Crazy Lady’, Will’s Thoughts will make you smile.