Kids Say The Funniest Things
Art Linkletter once had a TV show called ‘Kids Say The Funniest Things” that highlighted the marvelous minds of children. Here’s a list of more of the funniest things that kids say.
Brittany had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it’s me?”
One day a guy was driving with his four-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, “I did that by accident.”
She replied, “I know that, Daddy.” He replied, “How’d you know, sweetie?” She said, “Because you didn’t say ‘JERK’ afterwards!”
A first grade teacher wanted to gauge television retention of company slogans by the kids and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. “Joey,” he asked, “which company has the slogan, ‘Roll Up The Rim’?” Joey answered the correct coffee outlet. He then asked Brenda, “Can you tell me which company has the slogan, “Don’t leave home without it?” Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty. Next he asked Ralph, “Can you tell me whose slogan is, ‘Just do it’?” Ralph answered, “Mom.”
Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “It means carrying a child.”
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little stunned, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said, “how do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”
A mother and her four year old daughter, Sara, were out for a walk one morning when Sara picked something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. The mother took the item away from her and asked her not to do that. “Why?” asked Sara. “Because it’s been on the ground, you do not know where it has been, it’s dirty and probably has germs” replied Sara’s mother. At this point Sara looks up at her mother with total admiration and says, “Mommy, you are so smart! How do you know all this stuff?” Thinking quickly, the mother replied, “All Moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.” They walked along in silence for two or three minutes as Sara was pondering this new information. “Oh, I get it!” Sara suddenly beamed. “So, if you don’t pass the Mommy Test, you have to be a Daddy!”
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?” “Eight,” the boy replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that when you use these you can swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either.”
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the little boy replied, “That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you and mommy.”
A mother was preparing samosas (deep-fried flour shells stuffed with a mixture of mashed boiled potato, onion, green peas and spices) for her sons, Dabeet 5, and Nirajit 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first one. Their mother saw this as an opportunity for a moral lesson. She said, “If Lord Rama were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first samosa, I can wait.’”
Dabeet immediately turned to his younger brother and said, “Nirajit, you be Lord Rama.”
A mother and father were having a heated argument in the kitchen. Their six year daughter was sitting at the kitchen table watching her parents, swinging her little head from side to side as she listened. The father suddenly realized what they were doing, immediately stopped and looked down at his daughter. “I’m so sorry sweetheart,” he said with a quiet smile, “Mommy and Daddy shouldn’t argue in front of you like that.”
“It’s okay Daddy,” she said with a bright smile, “it’s the only time I get to find out what’s really going on.”
During class one morning, the teacher noticed one of the students had his hand up. Teacher: “What is it Danny?”
Danny: “Teacher, would you punish me for things that I didn’t do?”
Teacher: “Of course not. That would be unfair.”
Danny: “Really, are you sure?”
Teacher: “Yes. Why do you ask? If you’re innocent, don’t be afraid to speak up.”
Danny: “Okay, I didn’t do my homework last night.”
The following are actual science test answers given by six year olds:
“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”
“When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.”
“H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”
“The body consists of three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five: a, e, i, o and u.”
“The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.”
“The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.”
“Equator: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”
“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”
“A myth is a female moth.”
Angie, 6, came running to her grandmother from across the yard, with her hands cupped together, just dying to show her new-found treasure. “Grandma, can I keep him as a pet, can I PLEEEASE?” Grandma looked down and saw it was a slimy old slug! “Oh no, Angie, you can’t keep that as a pet,” Grandma said. Angie looked her Grandma square in the eye, and in all seriousness, said, “Grandma, slugs are like snails, but snails carry their houses on their backs. Slugs are poor. He needs a home!”
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked, with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t, sweetie,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”
On the way to take her four-year-old daughter to preschool, a doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, she thought, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”
While her mother was studying the chapter on hematology for her nursing class, four-year-old Danielle asked what she was reading. Her mother said she was learning about blood and she explained how the heart pumps blood all the way through the body. Then she taught Danielle to feel her pulse in her wrists and feet. Danielle wandered away and her mother noticed her looking at the soles of her feet. Then Danielle twisted and turned and pulled down the top of her shorts to look at her bottom. She stretched her arms all the way around and managed to feel her back. Her mother didn’t pay any attention, until Danielle came back and asked, “Mom, Where do we put in the batteries?”
One day my grandson said, “Grandpa, you and God are much the same.” I mentally polished my halo while I asked, “How are we the same?” “You’re both old,” he replied.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.” Bobby looked up and replied, “You can’t say you weren’t warned.”
A new mother took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time. She dressed her in pink from head to toe. At the store, she put her in the shopping cart and placed her purchases around her. At the checkout line, a small boy and his mother were ahead of them. The child was crying and begging for something. “He wants some candy or gum and his mother won’t let him have any,” the new mother thought. Then she heard his mother’s reply. “No!” she said, pointing in her direction. “You can not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last one!”
A kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean t-shirt to class. She told her mother that the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. Her mother frantically searched the daughter’s room, finding nothing usable but one t-shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent her daughter off to school with it. That afternoon, her daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, “Families are Forever.” And on the other, “Be Smart, Don’t Start”.
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying flickering candles. All was quiet until the little one started singing in a loud voice, “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…”
